I recently finished my uni exams and coursework. The day afterwards, I was so happy. I woke up, stress-free, no responsibility, endless hours of chilling in front of me… I just lounged around, existing exactly as I pleased, something like a happy sloth. However on the second day of lounging, a guilty-feeling set in. A feeling of: what am I doing here? A sort of churning necessity to be productive and achieve stuff, although what exactly I was unsure of.

I started looking up internships because that’s the next step really after uni – it’s what everyone around me is doing and it’s what we’re told employers want at this stage. And there were some that looked ‘hm that might be okay I guess’, but none that exactly sprung out at me as something I cared awfully about and wanted to give my time to. It was more doing something for the sake of doing something, which is good, and definitely works for some people, but if that spark and desire wasn’t there for me, and if I didn’t deeply need it, then I’d rather not really… (I realise this is a very luxurious position to be in). Recently, my friend said something which images.jpegstruck a chord with me: sometimes, strength is born out of need. I feel the same is true for what you want in life. When you have a deep, soul-level need for something, you’ll fight and work for it. Or if you have a big financial need, you’ll work for it. I don’t really have either at the moment (which again I realise is a very nice position to be in). It’s more just like a fidgety mental feeling of ‘should be achieving stuff’. But isn’t that so irrelevant? Because I don’t want to be like a hamster in a hamster wheel, always feeling pressured into moving forward without even really taking time to appreciate that it’s alive (remember Oscar Wilde’s quote: ‘To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.’) I have so much goodness around me, so much to appreciate, but all of that gets hidden away under the carpet when you live in a fast-forward mode of goal-setting for the sake of goal-setting. Not to mention, your stress levels rise… and who wants to live like that, really? It’s such an institutionalised mind-set to be in.

So, I know this isn’t right for everyone. But for me, right now, I’m just trying to go with the flow. Enjoying being a young person, doing one thing at a time, appreciating the present moment, and asking myself: ‘what do I really want?’ Because I know when I look back on my life, I’ll want to have lived each moment, rather than getting lost and disfigured under the big wave of achieving stuff for the sake of it. This way, I can have plans, but they don’t stress meimages.png out as much as I know they’re coming from me and my own true desires rather than a big outside bellowing voice of ‘be more productive!’ which I think seems to be the call of our age…

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